1. The 'fire starter friend'
Have you ever been going to the fridge for another beer at a house party with your friends and someone sidles up to you and whispers in your ear a little juicy rumor that in your drunken state means the end of your friendship with someone in your group? Causing you to shout (or should I say slur) out something along the lines of "What do you mean she stole one of my beers? That bitch!" causing you to stumble over to the evil doer to start a pointless argument? Well, in that moment you should turn around and see the small smile on your friends face who is currently stood at the fridge stealing one of your beers. Oh yes, the fire starter. The girl who loves gossip so much, and loves to twist and turn it back to everyone else. Maybe she doesn't mean to start so many arguments? There is one thing for sure. If I don't find out who stole my beer someone is going to *hiccup* die.
2. The "What's wrong with me?" friend.
Oh yes, you know the one. "What's so wrong with me? Am I just so different? What can I do? Am I just thick? I bet they hate me?". The world it seems revolves around their problems, and no matter how many times you try to reassure them that they are fine, they always find something else to complain about. Something else they need you to help them with. It's fine having low confidence, everyone does but you can't help but want to bash your head against the nearest concrete wall as you have to yet again reassure them that they are in fact human and will have things that set them apart from others. Though don't ever give them helpful honesty as that could lead to...
3. The "But you said three years and two days ago that..." friend.
Oh god! Just shut your mouth now! Say NOTHING as you will pay for it in years to come. Admit it, sick of them second guessing themselves you thought, i'll do the best friend thing, and be honest....Oh god you will regret it. There is always that friend who takes on your honesty and looks like they are happy that you have told them, yet in a few days, months, weeks or even years they can name a date and time that you said something and make you feel awful about it. "Oh, so this dress looks nice? Well on Tuesday 2 August 2001 you told me that purple doesn't suit me, what's that about?". Whenever you are in a conversation with them remember those famous words...IT'S A TRAP! Get out of there pronto or you'll end up digging your own grave quicker that death can!
4. The "Oh god they're kissing someone else now" friend.
So let's set the scene. You have been dying for a night out with your friends for soooooo long, it's felt like it's been aaaaages (or in fact two weeks) and all you want to do is let loose. So you're all in a club, or a pub and having a good giggle when you notice that one of you are missing. This can happen with any of your friends, but you know we're talking about the same person when you ask your friends where they have gone and the first response that comes out of their mouths is something along the lines of "Probably off sucking face with someone". It doesn't matter where you are, or what you are doing, whether it is a night out or at a funeral, their night is not complete without getting off with some stranger.
5. The true love friend.
Here we go, the true love friend. Pretty self explanatory, reminds you Ted off How I Met Your Mother. Always chasing true love, even when they blatantly aren't with it. No matter how many times you cringe at their latest love interest, roll your eyes at the words "I think they could really be the one guys" or go for god knows how many "break up" drinks, they won't get the hint. Tell them all you like that when it's the right person they will find them, they won't call off the search, and to be the supportive friend you are you have to be the one helping them to hold the spotlight.
6. The paaaarrrttteeeeehhhhh friend.
Have you ever heard of a quiet night in? They haven't. The second you are home, rubbing your feet from a hard days work, dying to jump in the bath and make something to eat you hear your phone buzz. "I'll be there in 5, party in town!". You have no choice, they have made the decision for you and no matter how many times you say no, you figure it's better to be part of the stories of wild nights out, than to be the one listening. Holding your head the next morning, drinking strong coffee and swearing you will never do it again is a common occurrence with being friends with such a party animal. Sat wandering how they have so much energy and begging for the sweet release of your bed you wonder. What the hell happened last night and why the hell did I wake up next to a pineapple?
7. The "How did this house get such a mess?" friend.
Before your friend makes an appearance you do a quick once over of your house, making sure everything looks presentable and not like you have been sat in your pj's watching Jeremy Kyle (So what it's funny to laugh at?) all morning. Happy with your efforts you stick on the kettle and await their arrival. It's just a normal visit but the second they leave your eyes widen at the horror that has unfolded around you. "How the hell did it get such a mess?". Even if you sit them on a chair covered in plastic in their own little corner the place still manages to look like a bull has ran right through it the second they leave. You have no idea how they have done it but it looks like the rubber gloves are coming back out again.
8. The superiority complex friend.
The "I am always right, and you know it" friend, the "I will do you a favor but only to get what I want" friend, call them what you want, we all have one. The one that seems so lovely and helpful but loves the fact that they are the one people go to, and if you don't listen to their advice? God help your soul. Especially if they're right! They top all of your stories, they top all of your advice, and if they don't win something they are the worst sore losers in the world. So here is a little tip, never play monopoly with them. It's like the start of world war three.
9. The sarcastic friend.
Oh reaaaalllyyy? Yeah okay! Whatever! ...Sound familiar? That friend that whenever they open their mouth it's one sarcastic comment after another. How do you know when they are being serious I hear you ask? Well, you don't. They leave you questioning simple things such as - Was it nice to see me? Do they actually like their present? Do they actually want to be here? Usually causing you to either try pointlessly to please them, to get a big non sarcastic speech from them, which will never happen. Or, frustration wins out! Either way, "It was soooo nice to see you" Grrrrr.
10. The "perfect" friend.
Now this one, is a tricky one. They are the perfect person. Perfect body, image, job, relationship, family and house. Nothing they do turns out badly, and they have sailed through life happily without finding a bigger complication than what color tiles should they have in their bathroom. Now you don't hate them for having such a perfect life, in fact you're happy for them, but you start to resent your own for not being the same. Shouting at yourself in the mirror once you catch the image of you crying into your ice cream whilst looking at shoes you can never afford, screaming "I bet Lucy wouldn't be doing this! I bet she has her butler fetch her shoes and she is drinking disgusting healthy smoothies! You sicken me!". The most annoying part? They don't understand how perfect their life is, and say things such as "Oh I envy you" or "You must have had such an interesting life" while you're sat there eyeing up their house trying to find receipts for the use of a maid as no one can keep their house that tidy all on their own!
Any of these sound familiar? Well if they do, and that common day arrives where you just want to bash in your friend's head with the closest blunt object to hand yet you sit there with a smile on your face and nod like you're not picturing murdering them, just take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. We all do it. Oh! And if you don't recognize one of the friends on the list? Take my warning it might just be you!
Jacqueline xx
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